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...of an insomniacs birthday

Today, Selah is 18 months old. She woke up at exactly midnight on her 1.5 year birthday (approximately three hours ago), right as I was falling asleep. Of course.

I am reminded of her one year birthday, six months ago, which was the first night we had any problem with her sleeping since she was about 7 months old and started sleeping through the night. That night, she bawled when I laid her down and didn't stop crying for almost an hour. So unlike her. The next night, it was a little shorter, but still some crying. And the next, just a little whimper before falling to sleep like a champ like her old self.

That drama ended right then, but it was about that time that she started waking up for long periods of time in the middle of the night. At first we didn't know how long she was staying awake. I would hear sporadic babbling and then quiet and our noise machine that made it possible for us all to share essentially one big room probably drown out any other sounds while I slept.

Then we got a video monitor and we realized how much time she was actually awake in there in the middle of the night. The first few nights, when I watched her still rolling around after an hour or so, I would rock her or give her milk thinking she might be hungry. But when she would stay awake for the same period of time regardless of what I did, I just started to let her be. Since we got the video monitor when she was 14 months old, she has spent an average of two nights a week awake for around 2-3 hours at night, usually beginning around midnight (but none of this is absolutely consistent.)
When we moved when she was 16 months old and put her and Abram in their own room together, I praised God for one child who could sleep like a rock while the other, insomniac child would randomly squeal at the top of her lungs in the same room over the course of three hours. Her insomnia and my pregnancy insomnia never seem to coincide (like tonight, when all I wanted to do was sleep while she was talking and squealing and when she finally falls asleep, I'm officially awake.)

I've gotten frustrated by being the only person who is awake with her. I'm glad Abram's not awake, but I've struggled with feeling like Quinn should be awake sometimes instead of me. But the thing is that she is so quiet, for the most part, that he would never be able to stay awake until it ended. And he often wonders why I just don't go back to sleep and just turn the monitor down or off and let her be (because I do that anyway, I just watch and listen in the monitor). But it's because knowing how long she is awake during the night and at what times totally affects what I do with her and what she needs the next day. If I know she was only awake for 1.5 hours, maybe I don't need to cancel the play date and she can still have just one nap. But if she was awake for 3.5, I'll probably need to put her down for two naps and we pretty much aren't going anywhere all day.

Recently, she has started responding to discipline. So one of the things we are working on is being quiet in bed. Despite his Quinn rock-sleeping genes, Abram is not super human and he does sometimes wake up because of her. The next morning he is grumpy and tired, but we don't have a monitor on him, so I have no idea how much sleep he might have lost. So we are trying to teach her to stay quiet. As much as she answers "Yeah" when I say to her "You need to be quiet. Do you understand?" But it's obvious she doesn't understand (or is being defiant) as evidenced by her ear piercing squeals only minutes later.

If I were in the States, I would have had her in our pediatrician's office a few months ago trying to figure out whether it is normal or worrisome that my 18 month old seems to be struggling with legitimate insomnia on a regular basis. As it is, the language barrier and cultural differences with pediatricians in this country and our experiences with them and other doctors lead me to believe that we would either get the brush off or an over reaction. Man, I miss our doctor in Austin! His English was so good :)

Not sure when the breaking point will be or should be. We pray for her every night that she would sleep through the night. Obviously, sometimes, God doesn't answer that prayer. But overall, she is a happy, smart, well rested, good eater of an 18 month old and we feel really blessed by her and her sweet (but sometimes feisty) personality, which is why we haven't been too worried about all of this. It's just on nights like these, when it's 4am and she's finally sleep and I'm wondering when it will be my turn, that I also wonder if I should be doing something more about it.

Anyway...

Happy one and a half years on this earth, Selah Christine! You are quite the walker, talker, Momma's girl. No really, you love all Mommies, not just me. Your Aunt Katie gets more snuggle time with you than anyone else (besides Uncle Randall) and if there is an empty mommy lap at our play groups, you'll sit in it for at least a few seconds before going off to someone or something else. Everyone loves you, especially your brother, who assures me that he will always protect you and makes sure that you are following the rules (tonight he asked you if you needed to go to time out for tipping your cup over on the ground and you politely said "no".)
Even though you still don't really like diaper changes or teeth brushing and you let us know that you don't, you love love love baths and dresses and your shoes. You also love cars and books and Mary Poppins (you bring me the remote almost everyday and ask me "Pop?") You are spunky and adorable and opinionated and affectionate and lovely and we cannot even begin to imagine our lives without you.

Love you Sel Bell. And I pray you don't have to deal with this insomnia for much longer, because I feel for ya, sweet girl.

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