Tuesday, May 18, 2010

...of another graduation.

I have planned for this moment for the last year. I knew that I was going to quit teaching at the end of this school year. I knew that I was going to pack everything in my room and exit the building on June 4th, never to return in the same capacity again. I knew that I was going to be sad. I knew things were going to change. I didn't know things were going to change so very much.

Now that the theatre season is officially over, it's like I have nothing to be here for anymore. That's just a testament to the fact that the teaching part of the school day is the torturous part and the after school rehearsal part of the school day is the redeeming part. So when you take the redeeming part out, all you have left is torture. I literally can't stand being in this building anymore. Without seeing my favorite kids at rehearsal every day, I just want to get the day over with and go home and watch TV.

"Why CAN'T you see your favorite kids every day anyway?" You ask. "Well," I answer, "making up excuses to hang out with high school students just seems pathetic to me." If they don't come in on their own, then I am like the clingy girlfriend who texts them with absurd reasons why they have to stop by. And I just can't reconcile myself to the fact that I don't really have any other "friends" right now.

My friends are more like aquaintences at this point, because I have spent so much time with my favorite high school kids. My friends also have jobs and spouses and they don't just come by to "hang out" without some kind of advance scheduling, canceling, more scheduling, and finally settling for a catch-up email. I can't wait to have real friends again, but it's sad that my little high school siblings will eventually fall by the wayside and only contact me when they are graduating, getting married, or needing a job reference.

I guess that's life, right? But it seems unfair that I have to go through a the high school graduation emotional roller coaster for the second time in my life. Saying good bye to people happens often in a life, but mass exodus good byes should only really happen at graduations and a few strategic family moves. Well, I'm looking down the road to both of those in the next year or so and two of them already in my past and I don't think it's fair. It's left me friendless and sad and with a lot of people I used to know pretty well but haven't talked to in forever.

How do you stop that from happening? How do you make friends and then move and keep the old friends and make new ones and then move and keep the old old friends and the old friends and make new ones twenty times in your life? This happens to everyone and not just me, but I feel very alone in it right now with no prospect of a solution.