...of a thorn in my flesh

At church this morning, a couple got up after the sermon and shared a story of how the Lord had gotten them through a time of trial through the truths in His word (we were in Nehemiah 8 this week). The encouragement being that during hard times and "easy" times, believers should cling to, revere, celebrate, and obey Scripture. This couple had been told that she would never be able to conceive without medical intervention and they were about to start trying IVF when the husband felt the inclination to wait for 6 months before they started down that road. It was a struggle and there was a lot of grief they worked through, but only about a month into their waiting, a friend felt lead to pray that the wife's womb would be opened and they eventually found out that they miraculously conceived naturally that day! Their baby is due in a few weeks. 

This was a huge praise and an incredible encouragement that the Lord can perform miracles while we wait on Him. But, can I confess something? These sort of testimonies are actually hard for me. Yes, it invokes worship and praise, but what about the couples that hear that story who have prayed or had that same thing prayed over them and the Lord hasn't answered it? What do they take away from that testimony? Or those who eventually did do IVF and conceived that way. Is the implication that they were wrong to "take it into their own hands"? Or for those who adopted. Was that taking power away from the Lord? I believe that no one would say that any of those things were wrong, the issue I have is the implication it makes about the faith of people who's story is not like this couples. My Pentecostal grandmother spent the last years of her over 80 year long life believing that she must not have as much faith as other people because she kept asking the Lord to heal her from Parkinson's and congestive heart failure and He "wasn't doing it". It was actually heart breaking, because she was one of the most faithful and faith-filled believers I have ever known in my life. 

And I sat in church this morning I thought about the 8 years that I have prayed that God would heal me of Psoriatic Arthritis so that I would be able to do so many more things for His kingdom and He hasn't. The thing is that I don't doubt Him. My grandma didn't doubt The Lord. We doubt ourselves. We wonder if we aren't as good or as faithful or as heard as these other people who are healed. Why did God chose to heal this person and not me? What's wrong with me? 

We know people in our church who have been healed of cancer, some who just died of cancer, and some who have been praying fervently for healing from cancer, but it's looking like it is nearing the end. (Edited to add that I found out just a few hours ago that this brother also just passed away a few days ago.) Why does God discriminate? I don't know why, but I know that he does. And I know that He is sovereign and good and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. So I really do believe that it's all ultimately going to be right. I also believe that sometimes the ultimately healing comes in death. Our baby girl who died in utero because her heart hadn't formed correctly was healed when she went to heaven. I know that my grandmother got that healing she prayed for and the faith she thought she didn't have was the faith that got her through to the end of her life when she finally got to see that healing. I know the truth and the promise that the man who remains steadfast under trial will receive the Crown of Life that God has promised to those who love him. What I don't know how to reconcile is the promises of healing and of asking persistently with assuming that a lack of answer means a "no" and I should just stop asking. 

I've begged for healing. I've had people pray for me more times that I can possibly remember. I do still ask for it, but I have to say that I just assume now that His answer is "no". But I continue to think of the things that I would be able to do if I didn't have this pain and I didn't have this diet that keeps a good amount of the pain at bay and I agree when my kids pray fervently that "my pain will be taken away and I will be able to eat anything I want again", but I have just kind of resigned myself to this "less than" life; this "the grass must be greener on the other side" mentality. 

And then I went to His word today. Just like the people from our church this morning. Of course I should, but I don't always. Today I did. I went to the passage in 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh just to feel some camaraderie with someone who also got "no" for an answer. But I didn't know automatically that that passage was in 2 Corinthians 12 (did you, Smarty Pants??), so instead of using the index or concordance in my Bible like a good girl, I went to the 'ol Google machine and typed in "Paul thorn in the flesh" and the first thing that came up was an article for Crossway.org written by Dane Ortlund, which I read through. And suddenly, the Lord just hit me with this truth from Mr. Ortlund: 

"Paul saw two ways forward. The Lord could (1) remove the thorn, and Paul could get on with life and ministry, or (2) leave the thorn, and Paul would be forever crippled and slowed in life and ministry. The Lord responded with yet a third option: leave the thorn, but give Paul grace. And for Paul’s life and ministry, this would net out as taking Paul places in terms of divine power he could never have attained otherwise. This is God’s secret strategy for his people. This is the surprising way into power from on high.

Mic drop. 

Of course. It was kind of like a "duh" moment for me. "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." That's literally what that means. But, goodness, I've been living like there are only those first two options. I've been asking God for healing so that I can "do so much more for his Kingdom" and believing that if He doesn't I am and will be somehow limited. And then I sat back and reflected on these last 8 years. Initially, I could barely take care of my own children, the pain was so bad. Then I started a diet that was only possible because The Lord gave me self control that I never had in my whole life. And then, six years ago, I started part time homeschooling one kid, which would never have been possible the year before. Then I started homeschooling two kids. Then I started teaching a few small classes at the kids' school. Then I started homeschooling three kids. Then we adopted another child. Then I started homeschooling four kids AND teaching a class of 10 kindergarteners 2 days a week. And I've been doing that for going on three years. 

It's so silly for me to think that I need this thorn in my flesh to be removed in order for me to be able to do more things for His kingdom. He is already doing things in me and through me that would never have been possible on my own. He is always showing me that we are in that third option, where I still have the thorn, but I have so much more grace. When people ask me how I am feeling, I can't respond with a resounding, "Great! I'm healed! It's amazing!" but I usually say, "The Lord is faithful to get me through each day. To give me my daily bread." And I just needed to ponder really what that meant today. 

I needed to really see and believe that that daily bread is His grace. It is not only sufficient for me, but an absolute gift to me and produces that steadfastness which will help me stand the test and get to that ultimate healing and crown of life, no matter what God has decided to do with my earthly body.